The Traumas That Make Us.

*Trigger warnings: Various traumas mentioned.*

I feel like I was kind of a weird kid. 

I was the "teacher's pet" kind of kid.  The "mothering" kind of kid.  The (mostly) straight A's without even trying, "Talented and Gifted Program" kind of kid, and if you were a student that didn't like to do group work and you got put in my group well congratulations - I had no problem doing the whole project and letting you have half the credit. Most would say I was shy, and quiet. Never in trouble.

As an adult I think the word we use now is "neurodivergent" which covers a broad range of things.  I haven't been diagnosed with any specific type of neurodivergence (haven't pursued it) but every time I see one of those memes that really speaks to me about being "weird" it's from an ADHD or Autism or Neurodivergent group page and it makes me go "ohhhh..hmm, we may be on to something".

Anyways, whatever it is - it has always made me feel like I didn't quite fit in anywhere but at the same time it has helped me to fit in everywhere.  I got along with pretty much everyone.  I still do, and it is something makes me successful in my business (I have had a cleaning service for 8 years this year). I can meet you where you are at whether it's old, young, stay at home mom, workaholic, adhd, hoarder, perfectionist, etc.  I see you, and I don't judge you.

I got married when I was 19 years old (don't do it kids, you have so much to learn still - trust me you are NOT as grown up as you think you are). I'm still married to the same man, and we have 2 children. I had our first at 20, and our second at age 21.  Then, in my mid 20s I discovered ALCOHOL. 

I mean, I had had it before, but I discovered that alcohol numbed the stresses of motherhood, working, being a wife, trying to balance everything.  And when I made the connection of alcohol and numbness that's where my drinking journey took off.  In a post earlier this month I defined alcohol as being a "means of avoiding or coping with some kind of unwanted and uncomfortable feelings."  which I think is a great definition - and definitely what I used it for.

Don't wanna feel bored? Drink!

Don't wanna feel awkard? Drink!

Don't wanna overthink social interactions? Drink!

Wanna be brave and sing karaoke in front of a room of strangers? Drink!

Wanna become a great dancer? Drink! (It's a lie. I saw the videos - we can't dance.)

Don't wanna think about that time you were sexually assaulted by a family friend when you were three years old? Drink!  

Don't wanna think about that time you were robbed at gunpoint? Drink!

Don't wanna think about that time *_____insert traumatic event here_____* Drink!

...and HERE lies the problem.  We've all been through a lot of crap.  Maybe you think the things way in the back of your mind at night that haunt you aren't as "bad" as the things that someone else is dealing with and so it's stupid to talk about them but I don't believe that.  If it hurt you, it hurt you and your feelings about it MATTER.  

Did you know that PTSD can be seen in brain scans?  Trauma creates an ACTUAL physical change up in your head.

The problem is, we make this CONNECTION between the relief of the thoughts of the things we don't want to think about - and once you make a connection it's hard to disconnect it. (I'll bet you never touched a hot stovetop twice on purpose!) This, my friends, is where the journey to alcohol abuse starts.

The problem is a lot of us accumulate traumas throughout life but we are too worried about what people will think if we get a therapist.  Or, maybe we tell ourselves we don't have the money or time.  Maybe you're that proud person that says, "I'm not talking to a stranger about my problems, they don't even know me. How is someone who has never met me going to help me?" (Ok my dude, but you're "helping" yourself by downing a 12pk and 8 shots how exactly?) 

We make EXCUSES.  We think these excuses are perfectly good excuses and so instead of getting mental health help we slap a band-aid on instead.  I chose alcohol.  Some choose food, sex, gambling, porn, meth, heroin, pills, shopping - you get the point.  We CHOOSE something ELSE to help us escape.  And often times these things we use to escape cause MORE traumas.  You end up with an eating disorder or a disease.  You lose all your money, your house, your teeth, your family,  or worse - lose your life.  

The band-aid you're slapping on is COVERING your festering wound so you can ignore it and so others won't see it but you and I both know it's still under there.  

Before you know it - you feel like you're stuck.  It's like a cute little snowball that starts rolling down the hill and suddenly it's picking up dog crap on it's way. It just turns into one big ugly mess.

Then you're left with a choice.  That's right - you have a choice my friends.  You can either keep doin' what you're doing - or decide that you want to get your life back under control.

Make the choice to make a change. I'm a Christian so for me part of this was getting back in touch with God (because you know - I like to pretend He can't see me when I'm doing things I know aren't good for me).  For others, it means something different but it all starts with a choice.

I managed to be sober for two years before I finally got mental health help for the first time in my life. I had hit the tipping point. If I'm honest, it was at least 20 years overdue. I found a local therapist through the Psychology Today website.  I've never seen her in person - we meet via video call weekly, which is great for me because I have trouble leaving my house more often than not (shoutout to anxiety and IBS! 💩).  It has been AMAZING.  The second best gift I've given myself (the first being sobriety).

I found out that there's a name for the mental hell I'd been going through and it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (it happens to more than just veterans, y'all). While some recognize "Complex" PTSD (PTSD as a result of more than one event) and some don't, mine was definitely a culmination of MANY traumas all sitting beneath the surface.  

As part of my treatment, I wrote my own trauma narrative and I'll have you know that I hold the record with my therapist because that baby is NINETEEN pages single spaced - normal sized font.  I was SO stuck in a cycle of the ways I thought about myself and the things that had happened to me that I couldn't break.  I'm still working on it but I'm starting to be able to catch when those thoughts are creeping in.  Every week I take that TIME to check in on my mental health.  To learn ways of changing my thought patterns and to FEEL the things that hurt instead of slapping a band-aid on them.

It's life changing.  Truthfully, I think it should be mandatory.

Anyway, I'm here telling you - you don't have to be out there acting all big and strong and keep trying to carry all that weight.  You'll hit a point where you can't, and you'll reach for something to patch the pain.  The band-aid you pick will numb you for awhile, but over time with it will come more and more weight to carry, and you'll either have to continue to increase the size of the band-aid or come to terms with the festering wound beneath.  You don't have to live that way. 

There's nothing wrong or shameful about reaching out for mental health care. 

It's OKAY to feel.

Sincerely,

K.

Sober Day #851

Find a therapist near you: www.psychologytoday.com

 

Your Time is Precious So Stop Giving It To Alcohol.

Something I feel like doesn't get talked about enough is the amount of TIME that we waste as alcohol abusers.

I drank heavily for a period of about ten years.  I am now going towards 2.5 years sober and I've been loudly spreading the news far and wide that sobriety is an amazing gift and trying to help people start or stick with their journey when they come to the decision that alcohol doesn't deserve a place in their life anymore. 

I am also a former smoker  - and if you've ever quit smoking, you've probably felt the "free time phenomenon". It's like all of a sudden you actually notice all the time you spent smoking and like you have all this extra time now. Smoking, however, is allowed in the car while you're driving down the highway and in public places long as you abide by the rules - so I don't think it takes up as much space in your mind because you don't have to "figure out" anything you just go outside and do it and grab a pack when you get gas.  You don't have to go to a special store to get your smokes.

But have you ever really considered all the TIME that alcohol gets to take up?

Let's take one scenario - you're invited to a BYOB party.

You spend time thinking about what you will want to drink that night.

("Beer, wine, 4Loko *yikes*, White Claws, liquor? Little bit of everything?")

You spend time thinking about when you'll stop to get whatever you're gonna drink.

("I'll swing back through later because I can't take the kids with me to the liquor store.")

You spend time deciding how much money to spend on alcohol.

("Last week that bar tab was ridiculous I gotta NOT do that this week.")

You spend time thinking about how much you plan to drink. 

(You won't stick to this probably btw. You know it. I know it.)

You spend time thinking about who can drink as much as they want and who can't because they are driving. Should you find a DD? Get an Uber? Spend the night?

You spend time actually drinking.

You spend time thinking about how many drinks you're having WHILE you drink.

("Should I have ONE more? It's still early.")

You spend time thinking about whether you're sober enough to drive.

("ZYXWVUT.....   I can still walk a perfectly straight line.")

You spend time thinking about how many hours of sleep you have before work tomorrow if you go home right now.

("If I get home by 1, I'll still get 5 hours. That should be finnne!")

You spend extra time visiting the bathroom for one reason or another - you're either peeing a lot or you overdid and you're sleepin' in there on the floor sometimes.

You spend a lot of time feeling like crap the entire next day.

You spend a lot of time regretting all this time that you're giving to alcohol and negotiating the moderation of your drinking.

("This week I'm not having ANY til Saturday night! And I'm STICKING to beer.")  

I'm not gonna lie - when I quit drinking it took some adjusting to all the down time.  Like, there is a lot of time where you feel, well, bored (and cranky).  But, with time - you'll start actually enjoying things again.  

Your mind will wake up instead of being numb and you'll start being creative again.  You'll think about things you can build, or ways to make money, or adventures you could go on, or pictures to paint.  You will feel RESTED when you wake up in the morning instead of that CONSTANT cycle of trying to balance inadequate sleep with hangovers and partying.  (Oh, you can't sleep unless you drink? Guess what - that's a post for another day - but alcohol WRECKS your sleep.  FACTS.)

I know it gets said over and over but LIFE IS SO SHORT.  Like, if you are around my age (I'm headed towards 40 😮) - how many GOOD summers where we can still get around good and have no major health problems do you think we have left -- even if we live to be 100?  

I don't mean it to be depressing - and I try not to think about it TOO much myself because the more you do the sadder it seems, but it's FACTS.  Nobody is living forever.

You are SPENDING your minutes each day out of a limited total number you get and even worse you are ROBBING your own account by ingesting a drug that will likely only STEAL more of those minutes in the end as a result.    

Spend wisely.  

Don't waste too many of your minutes wasted.

Sincerely,

K.

P.S.  I have people in my life that I love dearly that are heavy drinkers.  Please don't think that my posts are meant to call you out, nor do I think I am better than you because I don't drink. 

There are people that are perfectly happy with their drinking habits and don't plan to quit or feel they need to and that's fine.  My posts aren't for you.  My posts are for those that are dying inside from the stupid choices they've made or drinking to escape the things that have happened that alcohol will NEVER
be able to numb enough. They are to try and help you see alcohol for what it is and help you if you're considering a sober life.  If it FEELS like I'm writing these posts specifically for YOU it's because you're already feeling some kind of way about your relationship with alcohol. If you want to stop, you can stop.  It is worth it and YOU are worth it. <3

Let's Call it What it is.

Until today -  I've shared this photo with only a handful of people in my life because, well, it's embarrassing.  

The people that I shared it with - were my closest friends.  My drinkin' buddies! The people I spent the most time with at that point in my life - I actually looked through a Facebook message thread today to track it down because I had remembered sending it to them.  Oh, how we had laughed.

You wanna see it? Well, here it is! This was a brand new all white t-shirt the night before - and those darkest spots - are blood.

Let's call this picture what it is...

sad.

stupid.

dangerous.

Those are the first words that come to mind.

Although my friends and I joked about it as we'd done so many times before about one of us doing something really freakin' dumb - there is actually nothing that is funny about this picture.

I had been drinking the night prior.  I woke up like this.  I sat up and shook my husband awake and I said, "What the HELL happened to me?" and he didn't know.  I got up and got myself into the shower and realized my hair was so matted with blood that it was running out red with the shower water! Once I got out and assessed myself I noticed I had a small cut on my chin - and if you've cut your head or face before you know those will bleed real good.

I could NOT remember what had happened - but eventually - my brain came alive and I came across a memory of me misstepping and falling and I remembered the new boots I had had on and sure enough they were scuffed up. I had gone upstairs and gone to bed after that and I was covered up - and so my husband didn't know.

I had also fallen backwards in my driveway once about a year prior to this event and cut the back of my head open a little.  My drinkin' buddies and I laughed about it.  

I'd once stripped down into my skivvies, swam in a pond, and then proceeded to get out, get dressed, and WALK the half a mile from there to my house. Alone.  In the dark.  On my road that has no streetlights and very few houses.

I slipped on ice drunk and landed on my tailbone once and it hurt for THREE full years after. Do not recommend.

There are, unfortunately, many more examples, but you get the point.

Let's call it what it is - something many of you are familiar with.  

If this isn't familiar to you - then this post isn't for you.

I wouldn't be putting this out onto the internet if I didn't think that a whole lot of you have your own drinkin' mishap stories.  Maybe yours include falls, wardrobe malfunctions, dance parties, singing the best karaoke you ever sang, getting into fights, setting yourself on fire, breaking your arm, smackin' your significant other around, throwing up all over yourself, going home with a stranger, saying things that hurt someone, or betraying (or maybe being betrayed by) a friend.

Couple of these are harmless and fun (I mean drunk me was a real karaoke superstar, guys!).  Most in fact though, are definitely not.  

The ones that are not - are followed by regret. If you carry a lot of these stories of regret then you are the target audience of this post and if you are in fact part of the target audience of this post then you KNOW what often happens when you wake up -

--You come to in the morning--

*Head hurts... and mouth is SO dry.*
*Opens one eye and rolls over to see if there's some water nearby*
*Head HURTS HURTS and you need some ibruprofen*
*Wonders why heart is pounding so hard*
*Begins collecting flashbacks from the previous night's events*
*Checks to see if you have your phone*
*Checks to see who you drunk texted*
*Checks your social media activity to see if you posted anything stupid*
*Checks your bank account to see if it's still in the green*

*Checks kitchen to see what kind of food binge was had*
*Thinks if you ate something maybe it would help*

*Also thinks eating could go either way and you might just throw up instead*
*Excessive visits to the toilet*

*Considers staying in bed all day if possible*

*-Insert any other favorite hangover symptom here-*

and then what do you say to yourself while you're feeling like trash? Say it with me -

"I HAVE GOT TO STOP DOING THIS." 

You tell yourself you're only drinking beer next time, having a glass of water between each drink next time, having no more than 2 or 3 max next time, you'll eat more before drinking next time, you'll buy a smaller bottle of wine next time, you'll get to bed earlier next time, etc.

But us humans, see, we don't learn too fast and by the time Thursday rolls around you have somehow forgotten how awful it felt when you woke up that morning after partying hard all last weekend.  Some of you forget by afternoon each day and stop right back at the store on your way home from work. Some of you throw a shot of something in your morning coffee before work because you swear by "the hair of the dog" method and you just need it to feel straight and keep that hangover from creepin' up. 

Maybe some of you are "lucky" enough that you don't really get too hungover regardless of how many you throw back but you still have an arsenal of regrets from drinking.

Let's call it what it is - abusing alcohol.

Let's call abusing alcohol what it is - a means of avoiding or coping with some kind of unwanted and uncomfortable feelings.  (I mean, I don't know if the dictionary says that - but I've been on my own journey, and talked to enough people and done enough research that I think it's a pretty good definition.) 

I don't want to include everything that I have learned from my alcohol abuse journey in one post but I do want to leave you with two things to start -

A LOT of people are doing this to themselves, and they want to stop - not just you.  

A sober life is the very best gift that I have EVER given myself and I am convinced that it can be that for you too if you'll put in the work.  You are worth it.

Sincerely,

-K.

If you liked this post - be sure to bookmark and stop back now and then because I will be sharing more of my journey with you. #DAY842

Oh, Hey! I'd Like To Reintroduce Myself

I abandoned this blog about 10 years ago.

    My life has changed considerably since the stayin' at home with kids days.  I am now the mother of two teenagers, have been married 18 years, own my own business, and know a lot more about life due to MANY lessons that I've learned over the course of the last decade.

    I've unpublished nearly all of the old posts that were here - as they are no longer relevant, or they were boring or just kind of cringey (you know, like when Facebook reminds you of the really dumb posts you wrote 13 years ago and you're like WHAT?!)

    The content will be different here now as I've resolved in my life to help people wherever I can.  I will share things on a lot of different topics - so the "Randomosity" title is still fitting - hence keeping the page rather than starting over.

    I am 842 days sober from alcohol as of the writing of this post and will use this platform in part to help inspire others to start or maintain their own journey of sobriety.  I've also got an anxiety disorder, have struggled with IBS for over 20 years, and most recently - I've been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a series of unfortunate events that wrecked my mental health.  I'm here to make people feel like they are not alone.

    I am a work in progress and I have learned that writing is therapeutic for me, which is why this blog was started to begin with.

I hope you can find something here that resonates with you.

Love,

K.