The Traumas That Make Us.

*Trigger warnings: Various traumas mentioned.*

I feel like I was kind of a weird kid. 

I was the "teacher's pet" kind of kid.  The "mothering" kind of kid.  The (mostly) straight A's without even trying, "Talented and Gifted Program" kind of kid, and if you were a student that didn't like to do group work and you got put in my group well congratulations - I had no problem doing the whole project and letting you have half the credit. Most would say I was shy, and quiet. Never in trouble.

As an adult I think the word we use now is "neurodivergent" which covers a broad range of things.  I haven't been diagnosed with any specific type of neurodivergence (haven't pursued it) but every time I see one of those memes that really speaks to me about being "weird" it's from an ADHD or Autism or Neurodivergent group page and it makes me go "ohhhh..hmm, we may be on to something".

Anyways, whatever it is - it has always made me feel like I didn't quite fit in anywhere but at the same time it has helped me to fit in everywhere.  I got along with pretty much everyone.  I still do, and it is something makes me successful in my business (I have had a cleaning service for 8 years this year). I can meet you where you are at whether it's old, young, stay at home mom, workaholic, adhd, hoarder, perfectionist, etc.  I see you, and I don't judge you.

I got married when I was 19 years old (don't do it kids, you have so much to learn still - trust me you are NOT as grown up as you think you are). I'm still married to the same man, and we have 2 children. I had our first at 20, and our second at age 21.  Then, in my mid 20s I discovered ALCOHOL. 

I mean, I had had it before, but I discovered that alcohol numbed the stresses of motherhood, working, being a wife, trying to balance everything.  And when I made the connection of alcohol and numbness that's where my drinking journey took off.  In a post earlier this month I defined alcohol as being a "means of avoiding or coping with some kind of unwanted and uncomfortable feelings."  which I think is a great definition - and definitely what I used it for.

Don't wanna feel bored? Drink!

Don't wanna feel awkard? Drink!

Don't wanna overthink social interactions? Drink!

Wanna be brave and sing karaoke in front of a room of strangers? Drink!

Wanna become a great dancer? Drink! (It's a lie. I saw the videos - we can't dance.)

Don't wanna think about that time you were sexually assaulted by a family friend when you were three years old? Drink!  

Don't wanna think about that time you were robbed at gunpoint? Drink!

Don't wanna think about that time *_____insert traumatic event here_____* Drink!

...and HERE lies the problem.  We've all been through a lot of crap.  Maybe you think the things way in the back of your mind at night that haunt you aren't as "bad" as the things that someone else is dealing with and so it's stupid to talk about them but I don't believe that.  If it hurt you, it hurt you and your feelings about it MATTER.  

Did you know that PTSD can be seen in brain scans?  Trauma creates an ACTUAL physical change up in your head.

The problem is, we make this CONNECTION between the relief of the thoughts of the things we don't want to think about - and once you make a connection it's hard to disconnect it. (I'll bet you never touched a hot stovetop twice on purpose!) This, my friends, is where the journey to alcohol abuse starts.

The problem is a lot of us accumulate traumas throughout life but we are too worried about what people will think if we get a therapist.  Or, maybe we tell ourselves we don't have the money or time.  Maybe you're that proud person that says, "I'm not talking to a stranger about my problems, they don't even know me. How is someone who has never met me going to help me?" (Ok my dude, but you're "helping" yourself by downing a 12pk and 8 shots how exactly?) 

We make EXCUSES.  We think these excuses are perfectly good excuses and so instead of getting mental health help we slap a band-aid on instead.  I chose alcohol.  Some choose food, sex, gambling, porn, meth, heroin, pills, shopping - you get the point.  We CHOOSE something ELSE to help us escape.  And often times these things we use to escape cause MORE traumas.  You end up with an eating disorder or a disease.  You lose all your money, your house, your teeth, your family,  or worse - lose your life.  

The band-aid you're slapping on is COVERING your festering wound so you can ignore it and so others won't see it but you and I both know it's still under there.  

Before you know it - you feel like you're stuck.  It's like a cute little snowball that starts rolling down the hill and suddenly it's picking up dog crap on it's way. It just turns into one big ugly mess.

Then you're left with a choice.  That's right - you have a choice my friends.  You can either keep doin' what you're doing - or decide that you want to get your life back under control.

Make the choice to make a change. I'm a Christian so for me part of this was getting back in touch with God (because you know - I like to pretend He can't see me when I'm doing things I know aren't good for me).  For others, it means something different but it all starts with a choice.

I managed to be sober for two years before I finally got mental health help for the first time in my life. I had hit the tipping point. If I'm honest, it was at least 20 years overdue. I found a local therapist through the Psychology Today website.  I've never seen her in person - we meet via video call weekly, which is great for me because I have trouble leaving my house more often than not (shoutout to anxiety and IBS! 💩).  It has been AMAZING.  The second best gift I've given myself (the first being sobriety).

I found out that there's a name for the mental hell I'd been going through and it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (it happens to more than just veterans, y'all). While some recognize "Complex" PTSD (PTSD as a result of more than one event) and some don't, mine was definitely a culmination of MANY traumas all sitting beneath the surface.  

As part of my treatment, I wrote my own trauma narrative and I'll have you know that I hold the record with my therapist because that baby is NINETEEN pages single spaced - normal sized font.  I was SO stuck in a cycle of the ways I thought about myself and the things that had happened to me that I couldn't break.  I'm still working on it but I'm starting to be able to catch when those thoughts are creeping in.  Every week I take that TIME to check in on my mental health.  To learn ways of changing my thought patterns and to FEEL the things that hurt instead of slapping a band-aid on them.

It's life changing.  Truthfully, I think it should be mandatory.

Anyway, I'm here telling you - you don't have to be out there acting all big and strong and keep trying to carry all that weight.  You'll hit a point where you can't, and you'll reach for something to patch the pain.  The band-aid you pick will numb you for awhile, but over time with it will come more and more weight to carry, and you'll either have to continue to increase the size of the band-aid or come to terms with the festering wound beneath.  You don't have to live that way. 

There's nothing wrong or shameful about reaching out for mental health care. 

It's OKAY to feel.

Sincerely,

K.

Sober Day #851

Find a therapist near you: www.psychologytoday.com